Jamie-san and the Tomahawk
He was a bleak and bleary Kentino. That evening his continually cheerful and consistently effervescent demeanour was rapidly dissolving, but 14 hours 37 minutes and 17 seconds of scrapbooking will do that to any man. It had not always been this way, once there were adventures to be ventured upon, and dreams to be dreamt, mountains to climb, oceans to swim, lakes to fish, gardens to guard, bridges to burn, well… you get the picture. But alas, it appeared the future had finally caught up to the progressively backwater Kentino, he was caught in the docile domestic doldrums. His salvation appeared in the form of a letter, no, not one of those foam alphabet letter, but a bonafide tiny handwritten letter.
This letter if written by any other person would have been at least 12 pages long, but coming from the overtly outgoing Kentino’s friend Jamie-san it was the size of a mere post it sticky note.
It read… “Forsooth! I was but recently only a fortnight in you acquaintance and now alas my frontal cortex has caused my left and right ventricles to stumble. For although my affections have been promised to the illustrious Sara Lee, owner of Sara Lee Foods, and someone who’s reputation for divine deserts has only been further enhanced by the introduction of her new line of trans-fat free, low calorie, sodium reduced, soy-based, latte-flavoured Devilishious chocolate cake and sugar free, Atkins-friendly, whey protein enhanced, gluten-free, organic Angelshrumpous cupcakes, a mysterious woman named Toma has single-handedly entranced me with her pulchritudinous visage causing my pulmonary artery to palpitate arrhythmically. And I fear that unless your requisite abilities cannot absolve me of these causative circumstances I will be forced to subject myself to a lobotomizer! I must requisition your able-bodied assistance in acquiring a resolution to this present dichotomy. If you will acquiesce to this august endeavour, I will endow you with suitable remittance. I implore you vociferously to advance herewith immediately. Please do not cogitate unnecessarily. I have attached sufficient fare to gain you swift passage.
Superlatively yours, Jamie-san”
Well, I know what you were thinking because I was thinking the same thing. What on earth did that mean?
Using his full cognitive abilities, it took the comprehensively studious and incredibly intelligent Kentino two full days until he was able to comprehend this academic juggernaut, but with a little help from a (I must confess) little used primary school dictionary he unravelled the mystery. It seemed that the humble Jamie-san had found himself in a bit of trouble. Although he was betrothed to Sara Lee, a woman he knew only through long distance correspondence, he had mistakenly had his affections captured by a beautiful mysterious woman known only as Toma. The consummate gentleman, Jamie-san required the assistance of the formerly naïve (and slightly disingenuous) but overtly friendly Kentino to discover who this strange but vaguely familiar woman was that had distracted Jamie-san from his true love, Sara Lee.
Well, now this was the adventure the domestically challenged Kentino longed for… who was this mysteriously aloof beauty? Why did she appear so suddenly? How can she disappear just as effortlessly?
With no time to spare the fearlessly intrepid Kentino set forth to the land of the rising sun to assist his young friend. Arriving via the slow boat to China (oops!), the continually punctual Kentino set foot in Japan just one day prior to Jamie-san and Sara Lee’s matrimonially appointed day.
Having spent his last yen on something that tasted like chicken the ever vigilant Kentino sat down to eat and ponder his next move… he noted curiously that there were no dogs in Japan, hmmmm.
Immediately upon arrival, except after his suddenly not so inviting lunch, Kentino went to meet his curfufled friend. Our hero learnt that during his travel to Japan, Jamie-san had encountered the vivacious Toma two more times, each time learning something new about her… first, it seems she knew about Jamie-san’s strange obsession with collecting multiple copies of C.S. Lewis books, and second, when she last appeared she had mistakenly left a small package containing a strange recipe and really yummy powder behind. Having warmed up his deductive reasoning trying to figure out Jamie-san’s letter only scant weeks before, our suspiciously sceptical Kentino decided to ignore that first clue and investigate the second… but where should he start? By sheer coincidence he had noticed a Sara Lee Foods factory on his way to Jamie-san’s residence and figured that it would be as good a place as any to find out about this strange recipe and tasty powder… besides, he was hoping to sample some goodies. Hoping to avoid being too conspicuous, Kentino practised squinting while he was running to the factory and managed to arrive just in time to join the last public tour of the day.
While wandering through the factory looking at delicious desserts and listening to the rumble of his tummy our subtly secretive Kentino managed to ask a few people about the recipe and if a woman named Toma worked there. Well, the tour proved to be a bust in the clue department but boy were those good treats. Kentino left the factory wondering what he would do to help his friend when suddenly…
!WHACK! … !SMACK! … !BAAM!
The obviously muscular Kentino was getting beat up, by… a girl!
Before he knew it he was on the ground with a knee in his back. This strange attacker then politely asked him for the recipe and powder back… it took Kentino’s lightning fast mind 2 minutes to figure out that this must be Toma. Wow! Good looking and a great fighter, no wonder Jamie-san was so smitten!
Kentino knew at once that he had to act quickly, and once again his reflexes failed him… fortunately his brain did not. He bargained with the muscle bound Toma… He would happily return the recipe but they would have to go to Jamie-san’s residence first. Surprisingly, the aloof Toma quickly agreed. To which Kentino thought “gee, must be some kind of recipe!”
Suddenly out of nowhere, and before Kentino could yell stop, Jamie-san appeared, and seeing the fearlessly dynamic Kentino on the ground, Jamie-san tackled the shocked Toma. The scrawnily built but deceivingly strong Jamie-san was wrestling Toma to the ground when suddenly he realized who he was looking at… his childhood friend Sara Tomahawk, a friend with whom he had been inseparable as they grew up within the shadow of the slums of Tokyo.
Quickly getting up and apologizing profusely, our unexpected hero Jamie-san helped Sara Tomahawk to her feet, and then the two of them quickly caught up on the past several years. Ever the gentleman, Jamie-san even invited Sara Tomahawk to his wedding the next day but by strange coincidence Sara Tomahawk was also getting married the next day. Jamie-san & Kentino also learn that as a close friend of Sara Lee, Sara Tomahawk worked her way through I Can Do Everything Better Than You College by creating recipes for the then unknown Sara Lee, and that Sara Lee had sent Sara Tomahawk to gather information about Jamie-san, but in the process she had mistakenly lost her new secret recipe that was bound to be the next great dessert. Feeling guilt, the incredibly-honest-though-often-silent Kentino confessed that he had indeed kept the recipe with him, and humbly returned the recipe. It was only after they parted company that the subtly observant Kentino recalled reading somewhere that Sara Lee prided herself on the fact that Sara Lee Foods only used recipes that she herself had personally created. It was then that the brilliantly obtuse Kentino realized that Sara Tomahawk was actually Sara Lee! The unusually wise although sometimes slow-to-notice Kentino decided to keep Sara Tomahawk’s secret safe one more day in order for the slightly disappointed although completely relieved Jamie-san to be quite pleasantly surprised at the alter when he would realize for himself that his soon-to-be bride was also his best friend.
That next day, a surprisingly settled Kentino and a veiled Sara Lee shared a wink and a knowing smile as she walked down the aisle to a nervous and excited Jamie-san.
The End (once again).
